Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sometimes "a hug" is all you Need.

I think the song actually goes "Love is all we need", but in my case, a hug was all I needed to pull me up out of the funk I have been in for a day or so. You know, so many times people want to fill up every moment with words. Words are OK sometimes, but in my opinion there is nothing that can be said by someone else that I don't already know myself. Don't talk to me when I am down, just wrap your arms around me and squeeze.

My own husband is so clueless in this area. It just doesn't seem to come easily to him. I find this odd because he comes from a very touchy freely family. I can be bawling my eyes out and he will sit there and not move an inch. When I see someone upset, or just down and out, it is in every inch of my being to reach out and just give them a hug. It could be a total stranger.

Tonight a friend did that for me. Monday night a friend did that for me as well. There is something about knowing that the other person "gets it". That there really are no words at times. That the person in need jut really needs to feel that security of someones arms around them, that physical contact. That "its OK, i get what your feeling and i am here for you" feeling.

So, remember, next time you see someone in need, keep your words and opinions to yourself and reach out and touch someone. Wrap them in your arms and squeeze. It really is all they probably want and need.

Friday, March 2, 2012

One of These Things is Not Like the Other....

What a long hard process its been, the past few months, first getting the IEP in place, then the Functional Behavioral Assessment completed and finally, making the hard decision that the regular school setting is NOT the best place for my son. At least not right now. Now that I think about it, its been a long hard month for lots of reasons.

First of all, my Dr. decided that I had mild bi-polar symptoms and added Abilify to my drug repitoire. Worked wonders. Love it. Highly recommend it. My moods were NUTS after the Effexor. Now they are great. I can cry, be happy, be sad, angry, etc, but all within normal limits. As a matter of fact, I have been on the verge of tears for two days now dealing wwith the ups and downs of this whole special ed. process with my baby boy.

After the IEP was in place, Day Treatment was inacted, Functional Behavioral Assessment was complete, we still were not seeing tremendous improvements in H's behavior and academic performance in school. Things were spiraling out of control. Desks and chairs were being thrown, others were being placed in harms way. He wasn't learning, grades were sinking. At the advice of H's doctor, we went to visit Rivermont School. We knew right away that was the place he would get the help he needed to be successful in school. After another IEP meeting, it was decided that he would go there immediately.

We had enrollment there this morning. He loved it. He made several friends in his class right off the bat. I got all the necessary paperwork done. I'm the one having the issue with it. I'm the one who decided he would be there. I think its more because, as a Mother, you want your child to be like all the others. You don't want them to be different in that way. You want them to fit in. To be "normal" for whatever that means. I have to accept that H is not like all the others. In some ways he is. In others, not so much. Is this a bad thing? NO, I guess its not if I stop and think about it. His "difference" could actually become one of his biggest assets one day.

I'm coming to terms with it. Its just gonna take some time. As for H? He's gonna be just fine.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Effexor XR - the not so good and the down right ugly

My last blog was about depression. So, it seems fitting that I do a followup post. My life had been coasting along quite nicely since that last post. My son was finally getting the help he needed in school, home life was stable, the girl and I were having some good quality time (still are!) in our ice skating lessons and the job was rolling right along. The my Dr. and I agreed my Prozac had run its course. That's when the trouble began.

Nov. 2011 I started taking Effexor XR for depression and anxiety. The drug is know for its effects of ADHD like symptoms and for giving you a extra boost. I was tired ALL THE TIME. It did wonders at first. After I started this med. I felt good enough to join my daughter in ice skating lessons and actually found a joy I hadn't know existed in me. I am in LOVE with this sport. I will never be an Olympian but its relaxing, fun, and allows me to just be me. But, I digress.

For three months I took Effexor. Life moved along as always. I was doing some good work with my therapist. Learning to be assertive and ask for what I need, rather than assume people are mind readers. We had agreed it wasn't necessary for me to make weekly visits any longer. I was excited for the extra money I would have not having to make that co-pay each week.

The Effexor had other plans. My blood pressure shot up sky high. A common side effect of Effexor XR. (I now have to take HP medicine to control it - I am 39) I also developed other side effects. Insomnia, hot flash like symptoms, mainly facial flushing that was excruciatingly painful to deal with, and stomach issues to name a few. I decided at 150mg that it wasn't working that well anymore. At least not well enough to justify the side effects. So, Dr. and I came up with a plan to taper me off - with a warning from the dr. that the discontinuation effects are sometimes harsh. Boy, what an understatement that ended up being.

The plan was to go from 150 to 75 mg immediately. I was to take 75mg for a week, then go to 37.5mg for 4 days, then go on and off a day for 8 days. The first thing I noticed was that every inch of my body ached. It was almost as if every nerve ending was right at the surface of my skin. I hurt to touch. Awful. Then, there were the headaches. Those two things alone would have been ok. I would have coped. But when the mental instability set in, I knew I was in for a wild ride. Things that I had been coping with just fine in the years before, set me off like nothing ever had. I went from manic to super angry to uncontrollable crying all in a matter of minutes. Scary stuff. I couldn't focus, my patience was non-existent, I was scatter brained. I was anxious, my body hurt, i had headaches. Then sets in dizziness. Nausea, gastrointestinal issues. More crying, more anger. My kids were wondering where their Mother went.

I made it thru the 4 days of 37.5mg and decided I would NOT put one more of those pills into my system. I had also been given Cymbalta to start several days into the on/off again routine. At this point I was in such a low place, I was too afraid to take another pill. I was seriously considering pulling my son off of his ADHD medicines. I was not thinking rationally. I couldn't. Work was bad. All I could do was cry. The smallest thing set me off. Then my children started acting up. My son got suspended (normally, i would deal with this quite well: it had happened before - he has behavior issues) My daughter was acting out. I actually had the thought that their lives would somehow be better without me. I wanted to die. The only thing that made that thought worse was that I am the kind of person who gets trapped in that thought (thank goodness!!) because i am too chicken to actually act on that. But the thoughts running thru my head were some of the scariest I have ever had. I just didn't care anymore.

When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I couldn't close my eyes at night because when I did, I would have some of the worst panic attacks I had had in quite some time. Then the brain zaps started. The only way to describe this is that it feels like I had a marathon game of OPERATION going on inside my brain all the time. Like mini seizures. The dizziness grew increasingly worse. I knew I had to do something or things were going to get ugly.

The nurse at my Dr. office made me an emergency appt with my dr. He prescribed Klonopin to start counteracting the withdrawals I was having and ORDERED me to take the Cymbalta as well. The Klonopin is fast acting, where Cymbalta takes several weeks to reach a therapeutic effect in your body. I was written out of work for 2 days (Thursday and Friday) and ordered to get myself back to where I had been. I can't tell you the train wreck I was. I came home, took the Klonopin and went to bed.

When I woke up 2 hours later, I was a new person. All the withdrawal effects were completely gone. I was so grateful to feel like me again. I apologized to my kids. I will be apologizing AGAIN, to my co-workers when i return to work tomorrow. I am grateful for good friends who stood by me when I was at my worst.

If you or anyone you know if prescribed this drug, think long and hard. I personally feel that it should be illegal. I have never been so close to the brink. I have a friend who actually knows someone who committed suicide when she chose to stop taking this same drug. Depression is an evil thing, but there are plenty of options out there. Do your research before putting anything into your body. I did. I thought they were all over dramatizing the withdrawal effects. Turns out, they weren't.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Depression Sucks.

There, said it. After years of not really having any major symptoms of Depression, though being treated for it, it seems to have taken hold of me again and I am not happy about it at all.

It hits out of the blue. Or so it seems. I was sitting at work today and had the sneaking feeling that a panic attack was about to hit me. I managed to fight that off with some results but it left me feeling just icky. Can't put my finger on it. I just feel bad. No real reason. Harrison is doing great. Financially, we are better off than we have been in a long time. I just can't shake it.

Going to bed hoping tomorrow will be better. It is at least Friday, and payday.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I come to realize a few things about myself...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would quit taking my 40 mg Prozac, cold turkey. I wasn't really sure what prompted the decision to do this. I had missed a dose and I think I just decided that I would give it a whirl. Well, what a mistake that turned out to be.

I felt like total crap for starters. Headaches, tired, flu like symptoms. I was moody, cranky, irritable. You name it. After being off for almost 3 weeks, I decided to restart the med's. I just couldn't take it anymore. It took about a week for me to see any real improvements in my mood and other physical symptoms.

Today, while sitting in my regular Therapy appt it hit me. I told him that I was basically just sick of feeling NOTHING. I swear I could watch someone get run down by a car and not shed a tear. I also realized that I wanted to feel as bad physically as I did mentally. Goal accomplished. Why, I wanted to feel this way, I am not sure. I will have to delve deeper into that one as time passes.

I have come to realize that I just need to be on meds. At least for a while. They are my friend. It was suggested to me, however, to back down on them a bit. So, I will finish my 40's then go down to 20. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me (somewhat) sane, but not so drugged that I am numb.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Baby Bird

My daughter found this baby bird today. I called the emergency clinic to see how to take care of it. It is now residing in a cage in a homemade "nest" and we are feeding it puppy food with a syringe. I hope he lives!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

10 Ways to Crazy

Oh I woke up in rare form this morning. After almost three weeks of having stopped my Prozac 40mg cold turkey, I decided it was best if I start it back up again. I have been on it again for about a week. I missed it yesterday. I dont' know if that is what set me off, or if its just starting it up again after having stopped it. You see, I am convinced my family likes living in a pigsty of a house and when I woke up this morning to the mess that has been in the making for weeks and weeks, I just lost it. No one was safe from my rage. The dog was even giving me funny looks. She had contributed to the mess by pooping not 1 time but 5 times in my floor and then as if to add insult to injury, she puked as well.

My head feels like someone is squeezing it hard. My heart is racing. I am so angry!! My husband decided this moment was the time to go to the Bedford skatepark. The kids are off to church with my Mom and I am stuck here cleaning. The two times in the past two weeks that I decided to have a life, I got grief from the kids for leaving. Mom guilt kicked in big time. Trying to get my kids to pitch in an learn responsiblilty has been a nightmare. They don't get it. I am so ready to throw crap away and make their head spin.

Wow. I am not going to re-read this because I know it probably makes no sense. My husband already said i sounded like a crazed lunatic and all he was hearing was insanity. Maybe so. God how I wish the men in the white coats would come take me away and lock me up. That would be a wonderful vacation!! No worries.

The rant is done. Don't judge me based on this. It is what it is.